Next to the water

I was laying in bed, trying to fall asleep early but my heart was racing. I couldn’t take it anymore so I got up, grabbed my keys, and decided to leave my house to take a drive. My mind has been everywhere lately and I needed to drive to a place of peace so I can get my head together. So I drove to the waterfront. There’s just something about being next to water that brings me peace.

It’s about 8:38pm right now and I probably missed the sunset by 30 minutes. I felt that I needed to post on my blog because I literally don’t have anyone to vent to who will understand what’s been bothering me.

Anyway, I don’t want to say any names, but I met someone new. He’s a really nice guy, we planned a trip to New York a few weeks ago and I really started to dig him. The whole talking stage was cool and all until I actually got to lay next to him for the first time. And that’s when I realized, “Omg, I really like this man” He listens, he understands me, we have a lot of things in common, we have similar PTSDs so he can relate to a lot of the hurtful things I went through in my past relationships. He’s just damn near everything I wanted —

Until I remembered what my ex boyfriends put me through. The pain goes back to 2008 when my ex fiancé left me for an 18 year old months before our wedding. I took a break from relationships and went through a minor hoe phase lol. Not saying that I slept around, but at the time, I didn’t take guys seriously. I used to floss how I had a roster full of men and went clubbing every weekend. It was bad. Then I met my ex in 2010, who was emotionally and physically abusive. I remember how he would tell me that no guy would take me seriously if I left him. He would call me fat, a bitch, said that I didn’t cook and clean (the lies), he wouldn’t allow me to hang out with my friends, he used to hit me, and he pretty much kept me hostage when I wanted to go out and do fun things with my friends. I couldn’t do shit. To be honest, now that I think about it, we barely had anything in common, except for our interest in Muay Thai, boxing, and MMA. He was even my coach at one point. I lost a few friends because I stayed with him. A lot of bridges were burnt because I didn’t leave the relationship when it got worse. I eventually left him after I gathered the strength to move on. But at that point, it was too late — the damage was already done.

Then here comes my most recent ex boyfriend from New York. The cheater. The asshole that cheated on me with a girl totally opposite from me. Prior to me finding out that he was cheating, I was helping him with money because he claimed that he was sleeping in his car.

I’m the type of girlfriend that will not allow to see my man struggle. I loved him so much, that I helped him get out of a lot of shit. When he went to jail, I put money on his books and stayed on the phone with his boy trying to figure out how to get him out until he got bailed out. I literally helped him get his car towed while I was in California when he was in New York and Atlanta. When he was hungry, I gave him money to get breakfast and even bought him groceries. All this time I was helping him, he was just using me. And I failed to see all the red flags. I had a feeling he was cheating on me because he would turn off his phone, start arguments with me for no reason, then turn his phone off again, and sometimes he wouldn’t even text me. I would hear from him in the morning and then he would disappear for a long period of time. And when he would contact me, he would only contact me when he needed something. And there I was, blind as hell not realizing that he was dealing with another girl. He even had her text me from his phone to make me believe that the “Good morning” texts and “I love you’s” were from him. I mentally tapped out of the relationship early 2021 because I was fed up. God continued to show me his true colors until I had no other choice but to leave. The last time I seen him was in May 2021 for his birthday weekend, which was a big eye opener. We were at Finishline buying him his birthday gift and he embarrassed me by saying that I was being cheap for not buying him a pair of ugly Yeezys for his birthday. Not only did he call me “CHEAP” publicly in front of the Finishline employee, he continued to disrespect me by saying hurtful things under his breath. I treated him out to Cheesecake Factory for his birthday (wasn’t really planned) and had him blow out a candle. Sang Happy Birthday to him and everything. I wanted to make sure his birthday was on point this time around because I knew I was going to permanently cut him off once I got on the plane to go home. I kept my word. Don’t get me wrong, leaving him was hard. He was there for me through some dark times, but he had hidden agenda behind that. I felt that the whole 4 years I was in a relationship was fake and the love I thought I felt wasn’t real. On top of that, the money I was helping him with, he was buying stuff for that girl —- he even bought her a whole ring and they were supposed to get married! Can you imagine if I stayed with him? He would’ve been married and I wouldn’t have known! Omg!Now here I am fighting my fears at the waterfront posting this long ass blog about my past.

When I was kicking it with this new guy, I felt safe. Which is something I’m not used to. Not one man in my past made me feel safe. I always felt that I had to lead and “call the shots”. I never had a chance to be a “woman”. Everyone sees me as this strong independent woman who holds it down, but it gets draining sometimes. I had a hard time trying to figure out if I was having doubts or was it my fears getting the best of me? It turns out that I’m just scared. Scared to get hurt again because of what I went through. Out of all the times in my life, my past decides to haunt me. Why now?

I think my biggest fear is me putting in my 100% then finding out in the end that it wasn’t enough. Maybe I’m just being hard on myself — at one point I was thinking that everything that happened to me was my fault because I wasn’t living up to their standards. What if I don’t live up to this new guy’s standards? Ugh, I’m all over the place. But at least I’ve come to realization that it was my fears getting the best of me.

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