Let’s be hopeful this Monday morning.
On the muni traveling on 17th
1 hour late to the hospital even though
I set my alarm at three
a.m, no work but I’m not on vacation
Sitting in the bus looking outside
Surrounded by gentrification
An old Filipino lady next to me asking if I knew her uncle
I said no relation
Almost missed my stop, can’t even remember how to use public transportation 🤦🏽♀️
No paper and pen cause of technology advances
Nowadays kids can’t tell the difference with what’s on a screen to how real life bypasses
Using this phone, constantly looking down, pushing up my glasses
Should’ve got lasik, but if the doctors mess up
No second chances
Like I told my baby daddy years ago
No second chances
Like I told my ex, who don’t even know what his future plans is
Like I’ll tell my next relationship, mess up
No second chances
Cause half of these men out here don’t even know what real romance is
My backpack is full, while they’re over here half assin,
Now I’m just ramblin
Just trying to get to the hospital before
my daughter’s bone marrow transplant and
She gets second chances
Scrolling through Facebook reading comments from strangers,
Posting up prayers more than the ones
Who claim to be my one dayers
Next thing you know I’ll see a subliminal
two minutes later
After speaking the truth, as usual
another undercover hater
2 buses and a crowded train ride
Going up the elevator, 2 hallways down
straight to the right,
Laying in her bed, with a heart bigger
than her height
Hey baby girl, I finally made it, now let’s wrap this shit up and win this fight.
I haven’t posted much about my previous travels, I will soon, I promise, but to catch you up on some things, my daughter is suffering from Germinoma, which is a form of Brain Cancer. The severity of the cancer has taken her mobility and most of cognitive function away. She is also suffering from dementia caused by the cancer. Because of this, my daughter is now in a wheelchair and needs assistance when getting from point A to B. Sometimes she’s coherent, but there are days where she mixes me up with her dad or grandma. Sometimes she thinks it’s still June when it’s December. It seems like she’s a totally different person now and I am still coming to terms that she’s not the same. She’s not the Deyzha I knew a year ago who would go running 2 miles with me at the Waterfront.
In August 2018, she underwent brain surgery then she was diagnosed with cancer the month after. We only had two options for treatment. I chose the 2nd option since more kids with Germinoma responded to this treatment as opposed to the first option. On the downside, this specific treatment required 3 cycles of chemotherapy, 9 days straight of 3 high dose chemo drugs, stem cell harvest and a bone marrow transplant.
This treatment also required me to become a nurse overnight. At home I had to flush her central line once a day, draw her blood, and give her injections in the evening. And I HATE NEEDLES. I literally had to suck it up in just a weeks worth of training. I was scared.
I literally had to push my work and social life to the side so I could put all of my focus on her. Honestly, I never had any time to grieve, up until now that it’s almost over and our family can focus on her recovery. But I gotta admit, I have an occasional breakdown where I become a big overdramatic crybaby. You can’t blame me though. I went through a LOT. Anyway, the MRI before her most recent MRI showed that the cancer was going away. So I’m hoping that result still stands.
This is definitely not a trip to New York but it has been a journey. Which is why I decided to share this huge piece of my life with you.
Music was her therapy, the lyrics were her recipe
as the disease took over her body and her family
she sang her heart out until she could beat the enemy
Who took her mobility and her ability to shoot a three
Her chances to go to a University and become a chef like she wanted to be
All disappeared after Oncology revealed the answer
“Your babygirl has cancer and we don’t know how long you’re going to have her”
Three cycles of chemo plus 9 more days of toxic drugs
A bone marrow transplant then remain in isolation for a few more months.
Separated by a glass window from her little brother
Holding back my tears, trying to be strong cause I’m her mother
Her baby sister having to step up and play the big sister role
While I remind myself every minute of the day, that God is in control.
She’s going to beat this, if I say it out loud, I will speak it into existence
Even when I can’t be at the hospital, I will speak on it from a distance.