Shy Girl

Growing up, I was the quietest, shyest, the most reserved girl ever. I’m still quiet, still reserved, but a little more confident than I was when I was younger. My family moved a lot so I had trouble making friends in the long term. I did reconnect with one of my childhood friends a few years ago, but we’re two completely different people living two separate worlds. The only thing we have in common, was our fascination with New Kids on the Block.

It was up until high school when I started to make friends. Since I lacked in confidence, I filled that void by joining a “crew” in the 9th grade and also met my first boyfriend KC. He was a graffiti artist at the time and since I was into art too, hanging out with him and his friends influenced me to practice more on my graffiti pieces. And that was when my nickname “Deztine” was created. Whenever I drew up a piece, it made me feel good. As though I accomplished something.

Anyhow, even though I hung out with the “cool” crowd and displayed my passion for street art, I still didn’t feel whole. It felt like something was missing. On weekends, I just stayed in my bedroom and wrote poems to put my mind at ease. Furthermore, I began to turn my poems into songs – the first song I wrote was to the “Tell Me” beat by Groove Theory. I recorded myself using an old AIWA boombox, by connecting a cheap microphone to the aux and pressing “record and play”. I can’t remember exactly how I was able to record my voice over the beat — Oh wait! I do! I played the CD single, used a blank cassette tape, then pressed “record and play”. I literally turned the corner of my bedroom into a ghetto studio. Lol. At 16 years old, I recorded my first track in my friend’s studio. I wish I still had my demo.

10-12-2021

Anyway, this is me, this present day. The shy, quiet, and reserved girl lost in a world filled with noise. It’s ironic because this shy girl, also works for an online reggae radio show. It took me awhile to get used to being on air, but that’s only once a week. On most days, I’m sitting quiet in my cubicle minding my own business. Sometimes my coworkers don’t realize I’m there.

Today was a down day for me, however, two of my coworkers stopped by my cubicle today and their presence, their voices, made me feel alive again. I also keep healing crystals and a palo santo with me to help me stay sane through the day.

Eric Kripke

“It’s hard asking someone with a broken heart to fall in love again.”

“It’s hard asking someone with a broken heart to fall in love again.”

Monday Blues

One thing about me is that I’m a transparent person. But I also do respect the privacy of certain individuals especially when it comes to my love life. When I do speak about a person, his/her name will remain anonymous or I might give him a nickname in my posts. Just wanted to note that before I begin.

It has been a week since I went through a “separation” (I like to call it). It still hurts and I’m still having trouble waking up in the morning. I still feel empty when I wake up in the morning and my anxiety is through the roof.

The good news: I made it to work on time.

The bad news: I had one crying spell when my coworker asked me if I was okay.

My coworker normally sends me prayers in the morning by text. I love receiving them but sometimes I read them super late. This morning she visited me at my desk and checked on me. She asked, “Crystal, are you okay?” I turned around and I looked at her and said, “No” then I burst into tears. She quickly walked into my cubicle and put her hand on my shoulder. She said, “Your happiness should not be based on any relationship, friendship, or anyone else. Your happiness is with you. Trust in God. It will get better.” Then she said a short prayer.

I stopped crying shortly after she left my cubicle. I kept sniffling my nose and masking my tears from the rest of my coworkers. Maybe I needed to let out that one huge cry. To be honest, I was really upset with one of my friends yesterday. Instead of asking me if I was okay or asking how I was doing — he straight up asked me, “How are you and your new dude?” REALLY? First of all, why do people even care about how we’re doing? Do I go around asking about your relationships? What I wanted to say is “We both ain’t shit!” I tried not to be rude (well, I kind of did) but that question triggered all of the emotions that I was trying to suppress for a whole week and because of his nosey ass, I was back to square one again.

I don’t think that I’ve ever worked this hard to heal or maybe I’m not trying hard enough. I’ve tried reading articles, listening to positive affirmation videos, shopping, eating, and deep breathing. I even tried to drive around to get my mind off of it. Nothing seems to work. I’ve had one friend, my homie from New York, hit me up to check on me but I feel like I’m making him sad because I’m sad.

Anyway, but what I did do, is find someone to talk to someone from the Employee Assistance Program through my job. I also found another person through my doctor. I meet with her tomorrow and hopefully speaking with her will help me make some progress.

If you’re feeling lost like me, please get help. Talk to someone that you trust or schedule an appointment with a professional.

Hopefully this first step will help with my healing journey and make me feel normal again.

If you’re in need of professional help/talk therapy, click on the link below and get one FREE week with my referral.

https://www.betterhelp.com/rpc/c99da7e989219738-1-01