Monday Blues

One thing about me is that I’m a transparent person. But I also do respect the privacy of certain individuals especially when it comes to my love life. When I do speak about a person, his/her name will remain anonymous or I might give him a nickname in my posts. Just wanted to note that before I begin.

It has been a week since I went through a “separation” (I like to call it). It still hurts and I’m still having trouble waking up in the morning. I still feel empty when I wake up in the morning and my anxiety is through the roof.

The good news: I made it to work on time.

The bad news: I had one crying spell when my coworker asked me if I was okay.

My coworker normally sends me prayers in the morning by text. I love receiving them but sometimes I read them super late. This morning she visited me at my desk and checked on me. She asked, “Crystal, are you okay?” I turned around and I looked at her and said, “No” then I burst into tears. She quickly walked into my cubicle and put her hand on my shoulder. She said, “Your happiness should not be based on any relationship, friendship, or anyone else. Your happiness is with you. Trust in God. It will get better.” Then she said a short prayer.

I stopped crying shortly after she left my cubicle. I kept sniffling my nose and masking my tears from the rest of my coworkers. Maybe I needed to let out that one huge cry. To be honest, I was really upset with one of my friends yesterday. Instead of asking me if I was okay or asking how I was doing — he straight up asked me, “How are you and your new dude?” REALLY? First of all, why do people even care about how we’re doing? Do I go around asking about your relationships? What I wanted to say is “We both ain’t shit!” I tried not to be rude (well, I kind of did) but that question triggered all of the emotions that I was trying to suppress for a whole week and because of his nosey ass, I was back to square one again.

I don’t think that I’ve ever worked this hard to heal or maybe I’m not trying hard enough. I’ve tried reading articles, listening to positive affirmation videos, shopping, eating, and deep breathing. I even tried to drive around to get my mind off of it. Nothing seems to work. I’ve had one friend, my homie from New York, hit me up to check on me but I feel like I’m making him sad because I’m sad.

Anyway, but what I did do, is find someone to talk to someone from the Employee Assistance Program through my job. I also found another person through my doctor. I meet with her tomorrow and hopefully speaking with her will help me make some progress.

If you’re feeling lost like me, please get help. Talk to someone that you trust or schedule an appointment with a professional.

Hopefully this first step will help with my healing journey and make me feel normal again.

If you’re in need of professional help/talk therapy, click on the link below and get one FREE week with my referral.

The Silent Killer

The hardest part about depression following a heartbreak is waking up in the morning telling yourself that you aren’t good enough. You feel so alone and not worthy of being loved. The pain hits you in your heart to the point where you find yourself lost and unworthy, getting out of bed seems impossible.

It’s been an emotional rollercoaster for me in the last few days. Lately I’ve been scared to fall asleep at night because I hate the feeling of emptiness the next morning. And when I do gather myself to get out of bed to make it to work, I find myself spacing out throughout my work day, crying at my desk, looking for reasons to leave.

Why did he do this?

Sometimes I wonder if he really meant what he said when he told me that he was into me, that he cared about me, and was feeling me. The way he left was opposite of what I expected. I thought we were tighter than that. But I guess I was wrong. I have to admit, I played a huge part in it too, but all I wanted was communication. He said I didn’t understand him, but how was I supposed to understand him when he wasn’t communicating?

I knew he was beginning to change when the communication started to become less and less. Two phone calls turned into one. Then one phone all turned to none. It was beginning to bother me so I started to grow more resentful, despite what he was going through. I tried to avoid resenting him, that it turned into slowly turned into sadness, then transitioned into anger and I spazzed out. He knew I deserved so much netter, he knew he couldn’t provide, yet I looked beyond all of that because I liked him for who he was. But no matter how much I felt for him, at the end of the day, HE didn’t love who he was.

Now here we are, two strangers again.

Today is my sister Jenn’s 1 Year Heavenly Anniversary. I was in so much anguish this morning, yet I managed to get up and get ready just for her. Because I know that this is what should we want; for me to get my ass out of bed and to be happy.

As I mentioned before, I lost my friend Jenn last year on October 5, 2020, which was also on my daughter’s birthday. This week has been a living hell. Not only do I have to be reminded of my friend’s death, but to have lost someone who I thought was “the one”.

Many people don’t understand what depression is. As I mentioned in the beginning of this blog post, imagine waking up in the morning feeling hopeless, unworthy of love, and empty. It feels like I have no purpose. It’s absolutely one of the worst things anyone has to go through. I don’t trust a lot of people because I don’t feel that they fully understand the extent of pain, after coming off a 4 year relationship with a cheater, then being involved with a man who didn’t even want to fight for me, or should I say us. I can’t even look at his photos right now because I get sick. He hurt me the most because as soon as I let my guard down, he went straight for my soul and destroyed it.

I know that there’s millions of other women in this world that has been through the pain of a heartbreak at least once in their lifetime. This shit isn’t easy. Telling a heartbroken woman to move on is easier said than done, but it’s all you can do to heal. They say time heals all wounds — as of right now, it feels like this is going to stick for a long time before I can even think of dating another man again. The last ounce of trust and hope I did have, went to him. So I guess you can say that I’m done. I have no more energy left to start over with anyone new.

I deactivated my Facebook account because I know myself and I don’t want any of my bad energy to go on anyone reading my depressing posts. If anything, all I can do is take it one day at a time, give it to God and pray. Pray for healing and pray for him.

I’m fucking devastated. 😔