Monday Blues

One thing about me is that I’m a transparent person. But I also do respect the privacy of certain individuals especially when it comes to my love life. When I do speak about a person, his/her name will remain anonymous or I might give him a nickname in my posts. Just wanted to note that before I begin.

It has been a week since I went through a “separation” (I like to call it). It still hurts and I’m still having trouble waking up in the morning. I still feel empty when I wake up in the morning and my anxiety is through the roof.

The good news: I made it to work on time.

The bad news: I had one crying spell when my coworker asked me if I was okay.

My coworker normally sends me prayers in the morning by text. I love receiving them but sometimes I read them super late. This morning she visited me at my desk and checked on me. She asked, “Crystal, are you okay?” I turned around and I looked at her and said, “No” then I burst into tears. She quickly walked into my cubicle and put her hand on my shoulder. She said, “Your happiness should not be based on any relationship, friendship, or anyone else. Your happiness is with you. Trust in God. It will get better.” Then she said a short prayer.

I stopped crying shortly after she left my cubicle. I kept sniffling my nose and masking my tears from the rest of my coworkers. Maybe I needed to let out that one huge cry. To be honest, I was really upset with one of my friends yesterday. Instead of asking me if I was okay or asking how I was doing — he straight up asked me, “How are you and your new dude?” REALLY? First of all, why do people even care about how we’re doing? Do I go around asking about your relationships? What I wanted to say is “We both ain’t shit!” I tried not to be rude (well, I kind of did) but that question triggered all of the emotions that I was trying to suppress for a whole week and because of his nosey ass, I was back to square one again.

I don’t think that I’ve ever worked this hard to heal or maybe I’m not trying hard enough. I’ve tried reading articles, listening to positive affirmation videos, shopping, eating, and deep breathing. I even tried to drive around to get my mind off of it. Nothing seems to work. I’ve had one friend, my homie from New York, hit me up to check on me but I feel like I’m making him sad because I’m sad.

Anyway, but what I did do, is find someone to talk to someone from the Employee Assistance Program through my job. I also found another person through my doctor. I meet with her tomorrow and hopefully speaking with her will help me make some progress.

If you’re feeling lost like me, please get help. Talk to someone that you trust or schedule an appointment with a professional.

Hopefully this first step will help with my healing journey and make me feel normal again.

If you’re in need of professional help/talk therapy, click on the link below and get one FREE week with my referral.

https://www.betterhelp.com/rpc/c99da7e989219738-1-01

Jennifer Flores

I remember the first time meeting Jenn. It was through my younger brother Chris. I remember her smile and that laugh. She was that friend that would go to the mall and buy two cute tops for you and her so you can be twins. She was that friend that wouldn’t post a busted photo of you to embarrass you all over social media. Jenn had long dark brown hair. I used to envy her her for her hair because mine was long and damaged from the countless hair dye. While hers was super healthy.

I could always count on her. When my car broke down numerous times, she would drop everything she did to help me out. She never left me hanging. We took trips together, from Los Angeles to New York. It was her first time in New York. During that time, I broke up with my ex and tried my best to enjoy my mini vacay as much as I could. I was literally crying eating my slice of New York pizza and she was quick to make me laugh. I’ll never forget our long walk on the Brooklyn Bridge.

I remember the day she called me. She was like “Crystal can we talk?” I was all, “Okay what’s up?” And that’s when she told me she was sick and had cancer. I almost dropped the phone but instead, I cried my ass off. My daughter was diagnosed with brain cancer in 2018 and now one of my best friends? Her younger brother Jeffrey was sick with cancer at the time too. And the fact that she was also taking care of him worried me. The thing was with Jenn, when it came to her brother, she dropped everything to help take care of him.

New York 2018

Our last lunch together, we sat and planned our next trip. We planned to go back to LA and New York even. Not once did I think that God was going to take her too soon.

Jenn passed away on my daughter Kaylee’s birthday. The cancer was too aggressive and I guess she couldn’t fight it anymore. Her brother Jeff, passed away on my son’s birthday a month prior. It’s been almost 8 months since she passed and I’m still hurting. Every time I drive, all I could think about is her next to me, dancing to a fire ass track and just talking about guys and the bullshit guys do. I was able to meet her family on the day of her funeral. They were so close knit it made me miss my family and want to hold the ones closer.

Deyzha’s Graduation June 2018

I still don’t understand why God took her too soon. But it looks like he had a bigger mission for her in heaven. I never knew how it felt to lose someone this close to me. Now I do. I can’t even imagine what people go through when they lose their parents or a loved one. Shit hurts. Honestly, I’d rather go through a breakup than lose another person again. I miss her every single day and I have to admit, I do have my little breakdowns here and there. I’m just grateful and thankful that God is healing me every day.

This is why I don’t entertain and trip off of bullshit anymore. I’ve had so much negative energy come my way, it’s crazy. Losing a person like Jenn was like losing a piece of me. She was like my sister. A few weeks ago, I lost my bunny Macchiato. And that one sent me in a downward spiral too. But I love my peace, I love my life and all the people in my life that genuinely care about me. You tend to see life differently when you focus on the ones that are really down for you and uplift you. I am so grateful that I have these people in my life to uplift me when I’m feeling really low. I don’t show it, but I do have my days.

Life is too short to be unhappy. Life is too short to waste your energy on anyone attempting to break your peace. I am at peace knowing that she’s in heaven hanging out with her brother and grandmother. Oh and Macchiato too.

Pray.

If you’ve lost a best friend recently, close your eyes and think of all the memories you’ve had with person. Hold those memories in your heart and embrace it. Friends like that are rare nowadays. Although it may hurt, just know that they are with God watching over you. Remember that it’s totally okay to breakdown and cry sometimes. It’s completely normal. Talk to God and find your answers through him. He will guide you through your journey of healing. I seriously think they should have a “National Best Friend Day” or maybe they already do. Even if it doesn’t exist, I will forever celebrate her life and our friendship as if she’s still in my presence.