Shy Girl

Growing up, I was the quietest, shyest, the most reserved girl ever. I’m still quiet, still reserved, but a little more confident than I was when I was younger. My family moved a lot so I had trouble making friends in the long term. I did reconnect with one of my childhood friends a few years ago, but we’re two completely different people living two separate worlds. The only thing we have in common, was our fascination with New Kids on the Block.

It was up until high school when I started to make friends. Since I lacked in confidence, I filled that void by joining a “crew” in the 9th grade and also met my first boyfriend KC. He was a graffiti artist at the time and since I was into art too, hanging out with him and his friends influenced me to practice more on my graffiti pieces. And that was when my nickname “Deztine” was created. Whenever I drew up a piece, it made me feel good. As though I accomplished something.

Anyhow, even though I hung out with the “cool” crowd and displayed my passion for street art, I still didn’t feel whole. It felt like something was missing. On weekends, I just stayed in my bedroom and wrote poems to put my mind at ease. Furthermore, I began to turn my poems into songs – the first song I wrote was to the “Tell Me” beat by Groove Theory. I recorded myself using an old AIWA boombox, by connecting a cheap microphone to the aux and pressing “record and play”. I can’t remember exactly how I was able to record my voice over the beat — Oh wait! I do! I played the CD single, used a blank cassette tape, then pressed “record and play”. I literally turned the corner of my bedroom into a ghetto studio. Lol. At 16 years old, I recorded my first track in my friend’s studio. I wish I still had my demo.

10-12-2021

Anyway, this is me, this present day. The shy, quiet, and reserved girl lost in a world filled with noise. It’s ironic because this shy girl, also works for an online reggae radio show. It took me awhile to get used to being on air, but that’s only once a week. On most days, I’m sitting quiet in my cubicle minding my own business. Sometimes my coworkers don’t realize I’m there.

Today was a down day for me, however, two of my coworkers stopped by my cubicle today and their presence, their voices, made me feel alive again. I also keep healing crystals and a palo santo with me to help me stay sane through the day.

Eric Kripke

“It’s hard asking someone with a broken heart to fall in love again.”

“It’s hard asking someone with a broken heart to fall in love again.”

The Silent Killer

The hardest part about depression following a heartbreak is waking up in the morning telling yourself that you aren’t good enough. You feel so alone and not worthy of being loved. The pain hits you in your heart to the point where you find yourself lost and unworthy, getting out of bed seems impossible.

It’s been an emotional rollercoaster for me in the last few days. Lately I’ve been scared to fall asleep at night because I hate the feeling of emptiness the next morning. And when I do gather myself to get out of bed to make it to work, I find myself spacing out throughout my work day, crying at my desk, looking for reasons to leave.

Why did he do this?

Sometimes I wonder if he really meant what he said when he told me that he was into me, that he cared about me, and was feeling me. The way he left was opposite of what I expected. I thought we were tighter than that. But I guess I was wrong. I have to admit, I played a huge part in it too, but all I wanted was communication. He said I didn’t understand him, but how was I supposed to understand him when he wasn’t communicating?

I knew he was beginning to change when the communication started to become less and less. Two phone calls turned into one. Then one phone all turned to none. It was beginning to bother me so I started to grow more resentful, despite what he was going through. I tried to avoid resenting him, that it turned into slowly turned into sadness, then transitioned into anger and I spazzed out. He knew I deserved so much netter, he knew he couldn’t provide, yet I looked beyond all of that because I liked him for who he was. But no matter how much I felt for him, at the end of the day, HE didn’t love who he was.

Now here we are, two strangers again.

Today is my sister Jenn’s 1 Year Heavenly Anniversary. I was in so much anguish this morning, yet I managed to get up and get ready just for her. Because I know that this is what should we want; for me to get my ass out of bed and to be happy.

As I mentioned before, I lost my friend Jenn last year on October 5, 2020, which was also on my daughter’s birthday. This week has been a living hell. Not only do I have to be reminded of my friend’s death, but to have lost someone who I thought was “the one”.

Many people don’t understand what depression is. As I mentioned in the beginning of this blog post, imagine waking up in the morning feeling hopeless, unworthy of love, and empty. It feels like I have no purpose. It’s absolutely one of the worst things anyone has to go through. I don’t trust a lot of people because I don’t feel that they fully understand the extent of pain, after coming off a 4 year relationship with a cheater, then being involved with a man who didn’t even want to fight for me, or should I say us. I can’t even look at his photos right now because I get sick. He hurt me the most because as soon as I let my guard down, he went straight for my soul and destroyed it.

I know that there’s millions of other women in this world that has been through the pain of a heartbreak at least once in their lifetime. This shit isn’t easy. Telling a heartbroken woman to move on is easier said than done, but it’s all you can do to heal. They say time heals all wounds — as of right now, it feels like this is going to stick for a long time before I can even think of dating another man again. The last ounce of trust and hope I did have, went to him. So I guess you can say that I’m done. I have no more energy left to start over with anyone new.

I deactivated my Facebook account because I know myself and I don’t want any of my bad energy to go on anyone reading my depressing posts. If anything, all I can do is take it one day at a time, give it to God and pray. Pray for healing and pray for him.

I’m fucking devastated. 😔