The Silent Killer

The hardest part about depression following a heartbreak is waking up in the morning telling yourself that you aren’t good enough. You feel so alone and not worthy of being loved. The pain hits you in your heart to the point where you find yourself lost and unworthy, getting out of bed seems impossible.

It’s been an emotional rollercoaster for me in the last few days. Lately I’ve been scared to fall asleep at night because I hate the feeling of emptiness the next morning. And when I do gather myself to get out of bed to make it to work, I find myself spacing out throughout my work day, crying at my desk, looking for reasons to leave.

Why did he do this?

Sometimes I wonder if he really meant what he said when he told me that he was into me, that he cared about me, and was feeling me. The way he left was opposite of what I expected. I thought we were tighter than that. But I guess I was wrong. I have to admit, I played a huge part in it too, but all I wanted was communication. He said I didn’t understand him, but how was I supposed to understand him when he wasn’t communicating?

I knew he was beginning to change when the communication started to become less and less. Two phone calls turned into one. Then one phone all turned to none. It was beginning to bother me so I started to grow more resentful, despite what he was going through. I tried to avoid resenting him, that it turned into slowly turned into sadness, then transitioned into anger and I spazzed out. He knew I deserved so much netter, he knew he couldn’t provide, yet I looked beyond all of that because I liked him for who he was. But no matter how much I felt for him, at the end of the day, HE didn’t love who he was.

Now here we are, two strangers again.

Today is my sister Jenn’s 1 Year Heavenly Anniversary. I was in so much anguish this morning, yet I managed to get up and get ready just for her. Because I know that this is what should we want; for me to get my ass out of bed and to be happy.

As I mentioned before, I lost my friend Jenn last year on October 5, 2020, which was also on my daughter’s birthday. This week has been a living hell. Not only do I have to be reminded of my friend’s death, but to have lost someone who I thought was “the one”.

Many people don’t understand what depression is. As I mentioned in the beginning of this blog post, imagine waking up in the morning feeling hopeless, unworthy of love, and empty. It feels like I have no purpose. It’s absolutely one of the worst things anyone has to go through. I don’t trust a lot of people because I don’t feel that they fully understand the extent of pain, after coming off a 4 year relationship with a cheater, then being involved with a man who didn’t even want to fight for me, or should I say us. I can’t even look at his photos right now because I get sick. He hurt me the most because as soon as I let my guard down, he went straight for my soul and destroyed it.

I know that there’s millions of other women in this world that has been through the pain of a heartbreak at least once in their lifetime. This shit isn’t easy. Telling a heartbroken woman to move on is easier said than done, but it’s all you can do to heal. They say time heals all wounds — as of right now, it feels like this is going to stick for a long time before I can even think of dating another man again. The last ounce of trust and hope I did have, went to him. So I guess you can say that I’m done. I have no more energy left to start over with anyone new.

I deactivated my Facebook account because I know myself and I don’t want any of my bad energy to go on anyone reading my depressing posts. If anything, all I can do is take it one day at a time, give it to God and pray. Pray for healing and pray for him.

I’m fucking devastated. 😔

Jennifer Flores

I remember the first time meeting Jenn. It was through my younger brother Chris. I remember her smile and that laugh. She was that friend that would go to the mall and buy two cute tops for you and her so you can be twins. She was that friend that wouldn’t post a busted photo of you to embarrass you all over social media. Jenn had long dark brown hair. I used to envy her her for her hair because mine was long and damaged from the countless hair dye. While hers was super healthy.

I could always count on her. When my car broke down numerous times, she would drop everything she did to help me out. She never left me hanging. We took trips together, from Los Angeles to New York. It was her first time in New York. During that time, I broke up with my ex and tried my best to enjoy my mini vacay as much as I could. I was literally crying eating my slice of New York pizza and she was quick to make me laugh. I’ll never forget our long walk on the Brooklyn Bridge.

I remember the day she called me. She was like “Crystal can we talk?” I was all, “Okay what’s up?” And that’s when she told me she was sick and had cancer. I almost dropped the phone but instead, I cried my ass off. My daughter was diagnosed with brain cancer in 2018 and now one of my best friends? Her younger brother Jeffrey was sick with cancer at the time too. And the fact that she was also taking care of him worried me. The thing was with Jenn, when it came to her brother, she dropped everything to help take care of him.

New York 2018

Our last lunch together, we sat and planned our next trip. We planned to go back to LA and New York even. Not once did I think that God was going to take her too soon.

Jenn passed away on my daughter Kaylee’s birthday. The cancer was too aggressive and I guess she couldn’t fight it anymore. Her brother Jeff, passed away on my son’s birthday a month prior. It’s been almost 8 months since she passed and I’m still hurting. Every time I drive, all I could think about is her next to me, dancing to a fire ass track and just talking about guys and the bullshit guys do. I was able to meet her family on the day of her funeral. They were so close knit it made me miss my family and want to hold the ones closer.

Deyzha’s Graduation June 2018

I still don’t understand why God took her too soon. But it looks like he had a bigger mission for her in heaven. I never knew how it felt to lose someone this close to me. Now I do. I can’t even imagine what people go through when they lose their parents or a loved one. Shit hurts. Honestly, I’d rather go through a breakup than lose another person again. I miss her every single day and I have to admit, I do have my little breakdowns here and there. I’m just grateful and thankful that God is healing me every day.

This is why I don’t entertain and trip off of bullshit anymore. I’ve had so much negative energy come my way, it’s crazy. Losing a person like Jenn was like losing a piece of me. She was like my sister. A few weeks ago, I lost my bunny Macchiato. And that one sent me in a downward spiral too. But I love my peace, I love my life and all the people in my life that genuinely care about me. You tend to see life differently when you focus on the ones that are really down for you and uplift you. I am so grateful that I have these people in my life to uplift me when I’m feeling really low. I don’t show it, but I do have my days.

Life is too short to be unhappy. Life is too short to waste your energy on anyone attempting to break your peace. I am at peace knowing that she’s in heaven hanging out with her brother and grandmother. Oh and Macchiato too.

Pray.

If you’ve lost a best friend recently, close your eyes and think of all the memories you’ve had with person. Hold those memories in your heart and embrace it. Friends like that are rare nowadays. Although it may hurt, just know that they are with God watching over you. Remember that it’s totally okay to breakdown and cry sometimes. It’s completely normal. Talk to God and find your answers through him. He will guide you through your journey of healing. I seriously think they should have a “National Best Friend Day” or maybe they already do. Even if it doesn’t exist, I will forever celebrate her life and our friendship as if she’s still in my presence.